Darker side of me II
12th May, 2016. 7:59 pm.
It's been a long long time once again.
What has been going on in my mind.
When I look back on my life I realized that no one has ever fought to keep me. They've all just walked away with no thought.
Birth Father, Step Father.
Many boyfriends for whom I just wasn't the one to make the life with.
Okay there is the father of my kids but our story was one of eep well here we are we might as well roll with it.
I just want to know if it's possible that this is just the fate of my being.
I'm never to have that one person who wants to stay and perhaps fight cause they think I'm worth keeping.
18th April, 2014. 9:02 am. purge
" I don't see color".....wake up I'm Black!
Once more I'm a Black Woman
Even more I'm a Black Single Mother
Oh so she's the "angry" Black woman.
She's raising criminals cause you know that's what Black single mothers do.
You have a teenager , ohhhhh well of course you probably had your kids young.
No as a matter of fact I just look 10 years younger than I am. So you don't have to give me that look.
After the change of focus, ohhhh you're their mother! I just broke your head didn't I. And no they don't have my hair.
You have two, "same father?" Blank stare
Every day, it's amazing I have not gone insane. Or maybe I have.
Yes I'm a Black woman who gets angry and doesn't hide it.
Yes I have bi racial children. Genetics are a funky thing, get over it!
No you don't have the right to say I hate Black men! You don't know my life so check yourself.
Yes I'm doing this on my own, because your version of a traditional family is not healthy for my mental state.
Yes I need help from time to time , but I work my ass off, so don't go thinking I'm lazy and looking for the easy way.
And Yes I do see things in Black and White, cause guess what , that is the world we live in.
Yes I will notice the subtle things that you will never see , why, cause you aren't ME!
You won't see me in the magazines unless I'm rocking a weave and showing my ass.
You won't see me in the movies cause I'm not a petite little thing, or have more european features, and I'm not your version of beauty.
(Side note if I hear one more person say I'm kinda cute I'll bite them)
See the thing is You don't see ME.
Oh yeah that's right
You don't see color.
15th October, 2013. 11:14 am. It's been a while
it's another day here in the land of the office world.
it's quiet , which is good. But with the way things have been going I'm not sure what this place will be like. There are many changes coming. Some good and some I'm not so sure of.
as for personal, well they are better. Some things are going in the right direction and some things are staying still, and there are some things I just can't do anything about. And I have to accept that. Not such an easy thing to do. I am hopeful that there will be better days.
1st August, 2013. 12:29 pm. It's getting there?
Okay so I got through last week and so far this week is okay.
I'm hoping this means the mean reds have passed.at work I've had something else to focus on so it makes dealing with the one who just makes my life very irksome tolerable.
Knowing I will not be here forever is giving some solace.
as for other things, they are still hard. But each day I get through is a little triumph.
If I can still laugh then I'm not completely gone.
9th July, 2013. 7:23 am. Dark Cloud
I feel like I am rapidly spiraling downward.It's getting harder and harder to smile through the day. To keep upbeat. The mask is slipping off.
Everyday it's something new. I have no support. and the whole is just getting bigger and bigger. Not sure if I'm gonna be able to last much longer.
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11th June, 2013. 9:31 am. Some things just won't change.
Last night's dream. My Landlord came right into my apartment cause he wanted some coffee. He took out the huge bottle of instant and made himself at home. I told him you have to stop coming into my apartment. Then thinking I should have changed the door knob lock.
Luckily I woke up and realized it was a dream. I still want to change my door lock. The odd thing is this is the second dream I've had in my apartment. Most dreams take place in the apartment I grew up in. The first one was my older sister visiting me. Again she just came in. But that was a nice dream considering she's been dead for 10 years.
Lately work has become a source of serious annoyance. A change in the poser structure and dealing with a personality that I think has gotten so used to just doing things on their own, that they can't even conceive of the fact that I may actually KNOW what I'm doing or how things are done. It's one thing to change how we do things, but another to just go in and do it, without thinking , hey maybe I should ask for some input. Suffice it to say that I think my time here may be coming to an end. Either by their doing or mine. When I am being edged out of things that I handle , you have to wonder. I'm the one doing the contracts and entering them. Mind you in a year I have learned to do a whole lot of things that the person before me was doing in 13. Don't get me wrong I will never be able to completely replace 13 years of experience, but this company is run on some serious wacky juice. It's scary when it makes sense. i am just biding my time.
On other things, so I will just be alone till the kids are grown. Or maybe even long after that.
That is a rant for another time.
This week over all I think I am doing a bit better. Oh wait its only Tuesday. Okay so yesterday wasn't so bad. A day without tears is a good thing.
is it true I may be suffering from depression, yeah, but that's what chocolate is for. I don't think I am too far gone yet. Let's hope I don't.
On a good note I'm not feeling the urge to strangle people when they make wedding/ engagement announcements anymore. For a while yes , I would turn into the closet angry bitter troll. Actually I turn into that for quite a few things. Just seems like everyone else's life is so gosh darn wonderful with Spartan races and culinary feats , and babies are us. I am truly happy for people , I am, but well, yeah. I am happy for them. I think that's all I'll say about that.
Another meeting in about a half hour. I will find out information. Wait will I even have to go? Hmmmmmmmm
Okay so lets try to get through today without cryi...........................too late.
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20th April, 2013. 6:16 am. Screaming
I am srceaming inside. It may seem that I am calm on the outside, but I'm not. I'm screaming cause life is not they way I would like it to be. I am screaming because the world is a big disappointment right now. I am screaming cause I am floating and can;t get my footing. And in this I know I am alone.
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13th March, 2013. 1:32 pm. Never lets up
Just seems that no matter what I do somehow I fuck it up. The funny thing most times it's not even intentional. Hell sometimes I think I'm doing the dead on right thing, then get told nope it's wrong. And then now when I start something and I say okay I'll do it this way, I get told no do it this way. this is getting really fustrating. Add on top of it, those that say they are going to do x amount have yet since august live up the x amount they said they were going to give. it is all wearing on me. I feel like I have no security anywhere. Not work , not home, no where. Even my body is rebelling against me. But that I just have to get off my ass and try to do the no cost way. Harder to do than said when you have no space even for that.
I understand being put on trial by fire, but damn at some point those flames need to subside.
As someone said to me today I either need to win the Lotto or find a rich husband that will actually like me. Well I don't know about winning lotto, and as for the latter, me depending on a man to get me through? okay even I can't imagine that. That's for the movies.
It just sucks to feel like you are floating in this sea of murky thick water. and we all know I am not a good swimmer.
This whole staying strong business sucks moose cock. It really does.
28th January, 2013. 4:10 pm. GRRRRRRR
Cause I have to get it out!!
I am annoyed beyond annoyed that in this occupation , which I happen to enjoy mind you, that instead of giving me all the tools I need to do this and do this right, it seems that I always come up against something that makes it look like I made another stupid mistake. Don't get me wrong I do make typos, and sometimes don't see the errors, but when something is systematically set up to be wrong , what the frak am I supposed to do?
It's not my fault that the system does something funky with the math , then I am left trying to fix it. Also it is not my fault if I do go back to reference something and what is there is incorrect. And I'm not the one who put it there.
And what makes the whole damned thing worse is hearing the phone conversation about how something is not right.
and you know, I do know when to ignore an email I've been copied on. I really don't need someone else to tell me to ignore it.
Look I know I am not the smartest cookie, but damn it give me a break here
If I can figure out how to manipulate a system to make numbers fit, I think I know when to not poke my nose into something.
Yes I had to get that out!!!
22nd October, 2012. 8:38 pm.
Back A Page
Okay so life , it is one really funky funny thing isn't it. I just can't seem to get out of this funky limbo.
When everything is supposed to be going well, it's just not. I keep struggling. Something has got to turn around.